What is the secret behind successful marriages?
THE SPEAKING TREE
Satsang: Swami Sukhabodhananda
One has to learn the art of commitment and not complain. Marriage works when there is commitment but most marriages which fail, do so as they get blown apart by complaints. Secondly everyone has comfort and discomfort zones. Learn initially to avoid the discomfort zone and log on to the comfort zone. Thirdly don’t let expectations control your lives but learn to give in a relationship more than you demand or beg from a relationship.
How to adjust wisely, one has to learn. Don’t treat anything as a problem but an issue to handle. Learn to accept things and improve on things. Learn the art of empowering and beautifying the set-up. Treat it as fun and not as a social obligation but a social challenge. Don’t look only at equal rights but also at duties to be fulfilled.
What should a couple avoid to build a successful marriage?
One has to be very aware of the fact that there will be differences in a relationship…it is indeed natural. Don’t treat that as conflict. The moment you treat it as conflict, there is pain. Then you hold on to this pain and go on brooding over it. Then it increases and you start maintaining an internal account of hurt. This will slowly lead to settling scores. Be aware of this pattern.
A wife gets upset when the husband listens to his mother and ignores her feelings. The mother-in-law gets upset when her son listens to the wife and ignores her feelings. How is this to be handled by all parties concerned?
First one should understand, “hurt or upset whether you justify it or not is self-damaging”. When one is upset psychologically, a hurt body is created. When the “hurt body” is created one looks from the hurt and thus one’s subjective projection starts operating. All this messes up the way one looks at a situation. With this understanding and alertness people should share more with their close ones. Please look at their sharing as a part of them releasing their tensions. One should have an outlet to release one’s tension. When a hurt centre is created it messes up things and when you source yourself some wisdom, it clears up.
Youngsters tend to think there are more challenges to marriage than good times. There is very little tolerance or adjustment. How can parents help?
Parents should understand that young people have two needs…security need and insecurity need. There is a need for insecurity also…challenges, adventure, taking risk and that is a need which one has to wisely address. As one grows old one’s need is leaning more towards security and being settled, is it not? Look at life deeply and you will find these things happening to us. But most of us don’t look at life deeply since one is lost in one’s wants and doesn’t take time to see the ground of being in which one’s life operates. Wisely handling them and seeing that there is less stress but a blend of challenge and peace makes marriage more interesting. Youngsters do need a certain amount of excitement but it should be balanced with peace. Harmonizing these opposites is a wise act. More than changing their mindset let parents balance their inner energies. Then one’s being speaks louder than words.
MY LOUD THINKING, ON SEEING AROUND TODAY :
What is he trying to explain? Does he say let the wither leaves(oLd) leave the withering (young ) leaves as such, so that, the young ones tend to come out of the insecurity status to security status? THAT’S HAPPENNING EVERY DAY WITH THE SENIORS DWINDLING FAST WITHOUT THE STRENGTH OF SUPPORT AS INSECURED TREE. If it is harmonizing the opposites, both hands (H & W) of the juniors shall clap, WHICH IS A RARE CASE OF COINCIDENCE. If youngsters tend to think there are challenges to their marriage, then they shall consult their seniors, parents of the stay-put home, to get the advice, trial, execution and co-ordination, to come out of the challenges and to get away from status of the insecurity to the security, WHERE THE SECURED TREE (ELDERS) RAINS THEIR FRUITION AND FEED THE STRENGTH( elders alleviate the pain ), HAVING BECOME DEEP ROOTED IN THE PROCESS (OUT OF LOVE AND AFFECTION ). But what really happens is getting swayed on the other side of the parents (MAINLY WIFE SIDE ) who think and direct that the safe guarding the interest of their asset(daughter/son) is to stress the better half(husband/wife) to stray away from the new home(from the parent of the husband/wife) which is after the marriage.
The dice are rolled in such a manner that because of SAGUNI(parents of daughter/son ) the player DURYODHANA (daughter/son ) justify the victory viz wrong advices narrowing the insecurity more viz Insecurity of the married life as well as the parents. Now ask the “Sukabodhananda” question WHAT PARENTS SHALL DO? Now please read back. Here the system of Indian family constitution was forgotten by the wife side, created by women and not of men; the system of OBEDIENCE to organization is ignored by the wife to achieve the imbibed selfishness; the manliness qualities are kept away by husband, to make life easier again for selfishness. Net result is so many parents and the parents in law do mentally suffer towards the end of life; only a minority are blessed. So the defect lies from the wrong inculcation creating a chaotic climate and who has to balance? Silence of the parents and parents in laws are taken for granted, and when the stress increase, divorce increase or the mental imbalance of the couple. The bond to glue becomes the breaking point where unknowingly the couple generates the nest and the next generations, for, far-still the worse family system.
THE HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF AND WITH THE GREATED VIGOUR. IT IS ALWAYS WOMEN VS WOMEN. Even where the mother –in-law woman is sweeter than the MANASASOROVER, the daughter in law woman ,out of the immature inertia, gained from her mother woman, create the chaos silently where the husband allow the infiltration without the realization of the consequences. In majority of the cases, 8 out of 10 in the modern days, wife fail to respect the new home she entered and the cause of the action arise. How the son or the parents of the son will balance? What is the use of the commitments and the balance paying the dividend in their middle age? Marriage can’t split the “FAMILY” and the modern high society defines FAMILY as themselves and their children, which may become permanent in future. The PAIN IS PERMANENT, BECAUSE MURPAGAL SEYYIN PIR PAGAL VILAIYUM.